shockingblue | IC Inbox: Daybreak

[This one's hard. Nana knows she owes an explanation. Or, maybe, an apology.

It's a little hard to muster up.]

I'm sorry if I scared you yesterday.

[At first, when GV got the text from Nana, he spent a long moment looking at his phone, honestly puzzled. Some of the night last night kinda blurred together in an adrenaline surge. Not helping anything was the fatigue from using a lot of his powers last night; though he wasn't as tired as he feared he might be.

It took a couple of minutes of replaying the events of the battle in reverse in his head, trying to figure out where, if anything, she might've scared him.

And then it hit him like a ton of bricks.

Mein Gott.

...That moment of stunned shock.

Now that his mind was focused back in on it... good lord. The moment stuck out in his mind, vivid, bright, and... troubling. Nana's practiced, imposing stride, leading to her lethally efficient attack... and that kick. Thinking back to it like that, it had disarmed him at the moment... and was that fear in his heart?

...He couldn't be sure anymore. It didn't feel like it. He definitely wasn't afraid of Nana, even after what happened, but... well. Had he been at that moment?

He stared at the screen, re-reading her text over and over. ...Man, if ever he needed Moniqa's advice, now was the time. But he was on his own here. All he could do was go with his gut when he finally worked up how to answer. ...After he had started writing and deleted the message about seven different times.]

It's okay, Nana. ...Can we meet up to talk about this? I think it'd be easier that way.

[It might be easier, Nana thinks, to talk in person.

It's also scary. She tenses, fingers curling around her phone for a moment, and her eyes close. She thinks about it for a second.

Then she drafts a reply.]

Sure.

Do you want to meet on campus? We could go to one of the cafeterias. I should eat lunch in a bit anyways.

[He took a sigh of relief when Nana agreed to speak in person. GV knew he was already kind of awkward as far as most of his peers went, and he'd still never really worked out how to communicate well in text yet. ...Even in person was still something of a work in progress.]

Yeah, the cafeteria's okay with me. I'll meet you over there in a little bit.

Sure. I'll get a table.

[And, indeed -- in a little bit -- Nana is down in the cafeteria closest to them. She's back to looking less dressed up; she has her school uniform on, her hair back in the twintails, and she looks neither battle-worn or emotionally exhausted.

She's sitting at the table, with a tray. She has some food, and she's picking at the sandwich and chips she got, whole she waits.]

[GV's not too long after her. He too was in his school uniform, though he had ditched the tie for comfort at this point. He walked in and paused, looking around for any sign of his friend. Once he sighted those familiar twintails, he headed on over and took a seat with her.]

Hey! Sorry if I kept you waiting long. ...And thanks for agreeing to coming out like this.

Oh, yes, of course! Um... probably easier to talk face-to-face, right?

[Nana smiles. Would she prefer text? A little. But not, too. It's important to have some talks in person.

Which is why she's here, instead.]

So...

Yeah, it is... so...

[Gunvolt scratches behind his ear a little, still feeling a bit awkward himself about how to approach this. Sure, he'd thought about what to say a bit on the walk over, but...

Look. Communication is hard.

So all he could do was do his best. So he took a deep breath.]

I... yeah. I kinda got taken off-guard with what happened last night. But... I wasn't afraid you were going to hurt any of us. It was just... more of a shock.

I understand. It was, ah... it's not... really how I normally act, is it?

[It's an understatement. And she winces, mentally, at saying it.

That's the whole problem.]

It's not.

[He's a little blunt on that point, but he doesn't let it set for long before he continues.]

But I feel like me being surprised is more of my fault. I've seen you practice with your swords, and you looked really skilled with them even there. I just... hadn't put two and two together that you might be as strong a warrior as you are. So, when I saw all that, I wasn't sure what to think in that moment.

[Especially that soccer kick, but he figures it's best not to talk about that much.

His expression falls a little, becoming more pensive and apologetic.]

And... well, I feel bad about that. I'm sorry that I worried you, and if I hurt your feelings too. And I'm sorry for underestimating you. That wasn't cool either.

Edited 2019-02-26 15:19 (UTC)

[It's strange, Nana thinks.

The truth is, she would rather be underestimated. She would rather than person she is, in moments like that, not be what they expect or think of her as. She'd rather no one look at her and ever think, "I bet she could totally cut a demon's head off and kick it." But saying that... that makes it real, and this wound is just starting to scab, she tells herself.

(It's a lie. This wound has been closed for awhile now.)

Nana looks up, and she smiles; it's a little hesitant, which shouldn't be a surprised, all considered.]

It's okay. I know I don't... really act the part. But, when we're fighting against something like that... they want us to be scared.

I'd rather make them scared.

I don't blame you for underestimating me. And I'm glad you don't think less of me.

[Please don't think less of me, she thinks.]

I don't think less of you at all. If anything, I actually have a healthy respect for you because of it. And I did before, too.

[He smiles, a little more brightly.]

...I know I can count on you. You've had my back since I got here, in pretty much... well, everything. And I know you can have my back in battle too. I just hope you'll let me watch yours too.

Oh, GV... you're too nice to me, sometimes. [Nana smiles at him, and then she bobs her head once.] Thank you, though. I'll try to not waste that respect!

...I'll trust you to do that. But... don't feel like you have to, either, okay? I know you're all there for me.

[They shouldn't have to be, she tells herself.]

But I want you to be free to live your life and not only fight. You should let yourself be more than a warrior.

I might not have to, but I want to.

[Because people worth fighting for in his life is nice to have... and he knows she'd do the same.]

[Still though, her final sentiment gives him some pause.]

More than just a warrior. ...I've been doing things other than being better at fighting. Been making friends, learning to dance, taking your normal classes. I've been trying to be more normal since I got here. And it's been fun!

But I can't help thinking about fighting. A lot. ...More often than I want to.

[....It's hard not to, knowing Nightfall looms. Knowing now the nature of much of the world. And how much rests on everyone's shoulders, and...

He sits back into his chair and slumps a little. He hasn't really confided the pressure he's been feeling to anyone too much, before, but...]

...It's why I came here. I... I want to get stronger. Asimov believes in me, and I can't let his faith be misplaced. When the time comes that I'm really needed... I want to rise to the occasion. The world needs all the help it can get.

[Nana can't argue with that. There's no way to tell someone, "You shouldn't need to watch after me." She falls quiet for a moment, though.

And there's a subtle shift in her expression.

He had implied this before. Most kids went to school; he went on missions. He didn't have the same type of childhood she did... or, maybe, he didn't have much of a childhood. Nana's eyebrows knit, thoughtfully.]

There's... a lot of pressure on us, to be ready for Nightfall. However we can. But... I don't think you should worry about letting Asimov down to the point that you stop yourself from living the life that you want.

We should enjoy today, not... just live for an occasion that's not here yet.

[Gunvolt remains quiet for a long moment, his eyes... distant. Looking far way to a horizon he couldn't see. His mind busy trying to process what she said and reconcile it with everything he already knew. And it wasn't easy to do.

He blinked twice, slowly, before he broke his silence.]

...What I've wanted is that. As a way of showing appreciation for Asimov giving me a chance when no one else did. They aren't the only things I can do, but... designing equipment, making runes, and now fighting. It's... what I'm best at. And I can be better. So I do my best to improve, so I can make him, and myself, proud.

So... I really haven't spent a lot of time thinking about how I should enjoy today.

[Not when so much of his thinking is about the future.]

How do I even find the balance, Nana? I can't give up on my goals, but... I know you're not wrong either. I enjoyed going to the dance before and after the fighting, and I liked Yuya teaching me how to dance before that, and... hell, even arguing with Maple's been... well, maybe not fun, but...

I just don't know how to find the line of being me... and trying to be what I want to become.

[Nana recognizes that distant look. She knows that distant look; she's seen it on herself before, imagined it as the look on her face. She hesitates, in the face of that, her eyes drifting away from his.

She swallows.

A part of her wants to scream that she's not the person he should ask. That she doesn't know how to find and define the line between who she is and who she's afraid she'll become, to keep everyone safe.

But he's asking, and Nana doesn't know how to -- and doesn't want to -- turn him away.]

It's hard to maintain that balance, GV. You... you have to find a way to fit both into your life. To know when to turn one side off, and let yourself be who you need to be.

I wish I could say it's easy, but... it's not.

[Her words, mercifully, seemingly make his eyes snap back into the present. It took a quick blink, almost like he snapped out of a trance.]

...Yeah. It's not. But the answer's gotta be there. And you're right. I have to try... even if I can be the only one to do it.

[He weakly smiled, looking embarrassed.]

...Sorry, that got a lot heavier than I meant it to. I've... never talked about that with anyone before.

Mm... yeah. And the answer is different, I think, for everyone. Different ideas of who we should be, different comfort levels... different hopes for the future. But it's there. Somewhere.

[Which might be the closest she'll come today to admitting she hasn't found it herself.

She shakes her head, though, and her smile is as reassuring as she can make it.]

It's okay.

I think... all of us grapple with this, or something close.

It's a relief to hear that, strange as it is to say. Knowing it's something that we're all trying to work through... I dunno. Less scary, I guess.

[Still confusing, still challenging, and still a burden they all have to bear, but... a burden shared is easier to lift. But perhaps... not as daunting as it once felt.]

...Thanks, Nana. You're the best.

[And there's just an earnest sincerity to the statement, reflected in those blue eyes.]

I definitely understand that. [Nana smiles, though it's a little reluctant. She wishes people didn't have to experience that burden. She can't say she's glad she's not alone, there.

She wishes they didn't have to feel it.

She blinks, though -- a bit surprised at the earnestness and the statement. Then, Nana smiles, and looks down for a moment.]

...Thanks. You're welcome, GV.

[After Gunvolt was cleared to leave the infirmary, Desidera took him to the cafeteria to grab something to go, and then from there the duo went straight back to Aube.

Their room was mostly-untouched over the past week, with the only real signs of any activity indicating that Desi had only returned to the room to sleep, spending all of her waking hours elsewhere. Everything on GV's side of the room was neatly kept; straightened up once early in the week and then not touched again. The charging station and pillow belonging to Monarch were similarly undisturbed, but kept covered by a small tablecloth to keep any amount of dust from collecting on them.

She pulled her chair from the desk and sat herself down in it, not yet saying anything because she wasn't entirely sure what to say now.]

[Gunvolt's mind was far from clear after everything that happened, and with more coming up ahead. There wasn't a lot of time, and yet, he knew he had to get his headspace together before they could really get out and do anything.

...There was too much to think about... but the relief of being back in his dorm room, with Desidera...

That was the closest thing to home he had now. ...Or it would be, once he and Desi got Monarch back.

He noticed how clean the room was, but... also how lived-out of it was. The thin layer of dust in most of the room, suggesting it hadn't been used all that much... other than perhaps Desidera's bed in the meantime. He walks over to his desk, giving a brief look over all of his tools that he kept in the room, both magical and mundane.

Though he doesn't sit down, or start working. He merely stares at his desk, pondering what to do next, before taking a moment to stretch again. Still stiff... and still not wanting to be too dwelling on certain thoughts.

He too, struggled to think of what to say next.]

...I know you said not to apologize for it. But I'm still sorry I worried you.

[She almost responded by insisting on her own previous apology, but with her now knowing what had happened, there was now an awareness that if she had been there with him, it was more than likely that she would have been the one getting hurt—or worse—if it wasn't both of them instead.]

GV, if anyone owes me an apology, it's that asshole you called your boss. [That...was probably the first time that word has ever come out of her mouth.

And considering what she had been told, that was one apology she wasn't getting.]

Besides, you're back now, that's— That's what matters. That and getting Monarch back once we're ready.

IC Inbox: Daybreak

2/15 mid-morning

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1/2

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late 12/14 or possibly early 12/15, at their room

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